Life decisions

My last blog post I shared with you all about all the things ahead for Levi and our family.
I shared about how Levi was having a surgery, and starting school and also some options we now had through a waiver to get assistance.

We had the surgery one week ago things are going well for him but still in much pain and not moving much at this point. (Thanks for all your encouragement as always. ) 

Today was weird for me as I had a home health assessment for Levi. I think for me I'm realizing a lot about myself and my fears or areas of pride or who knows what to call it. I talked about this a little bit this morning on a video I made. I realize lately I take a lot of pride in caring for my kids in the "best" way. Not the worst thing in the world right? But I am struggling with these changes ahead of me and having to pray a lot about it all,not even for Levi for myself. It comes down to grieving, it comes down to laying down what I think is best and it comes down to trusting that God is with my kids, and that I am not the only way God will take care of them.

I think this is funny maybe to say(and you guys probably see a different prespective on this being on the outside) but to me,I have always thought of Levi as very high functioning and really at this point not that many things we have to do for him. We have adapted as a family, we have learned what he needs and this has always been my life as a mother. 

Some days I feel so exausted and I'm like "I didn't even do a load of laundry! What did I even accomplish today??" And then I take account of my whole day and (as all of you with several little ones know)i think through all the spills and all the diapers ect. And then I did this crazy thing where I wanted to homeschool my kids,and then Levi has extra needs.

 Every now and then someone who loves us says "you know taking  care of Levi is actually like taking care of a few kids,now wonder you are exausted" and I think,really? Hmm I don't even realize because it has been my *only*experience of motherhood.

A few weeks ago I broke down in tears to some friends who just asked me how I was doing and I was just tired. Our schedule has been so busy and not with the things I want to be doing. *Of course I want to help Levi be well yes!!* But it comes with many many appointments every week,phone calls, scheduling ect for just one of my kids. I had been doing all of this one day and just telling them that there are solutions but it means giving up the parts that *I* love and that is the part that makes me feel sad. 

Someone recently asked "why are you homeschooling you kids!? You have too much going on" and It made me think about some things.  

I guess for me there is a really nice picture in my mind of my childhood with a custom build house in the Pennsylvania mountains, a tree fort in four trees my dad made. I picture spending hours outside and I remember my mom delighting in me and teaching us. We would end up having 6 kids in our family and although each of us share different prespective  of upbringing this is the family I cherish. My mom who had ease of homeschooling us in that woods.  I follow lots of moms on Instagram who have these perfectly placed school books and chalk boards and nature books and their kids never scribble.  This all seems beautiful to me.

It's a constant fight for me to live my actual life instead of the what seems to be ideal. *I love my life and my people and wouldn't trade one thing about all God has blessed us with. You all know I love them dearly. But I think I struggle with being the mom of my dreams vs the mom I am. The mom that is on the go to appointments most days, whose kids watch movies in the car, eat lunch in the car. We have days I protect so we can just be home and I muster up enough energy to make it a day that hopefully my kids will remember.

As all of these things( home healthcare, school,a recreational therapists) have suddenly presented as options for us I have to sort out a lot of things.

School is exciting, you all should know that Levi being homeschooled was always on my radar for all of my kids (remember,that is the mom of my dreams) it wasn't because school was not an option for him. I have maintained conversation with our school district for years about Levi and the timing for independence for him is right. In my mind I have made it harder than in needed to be for him to go. Infact i have been blown away with all the ways God has reminded me that He is caring for Levi. Yet even though this is really awesome my struggle is personal and it's about my prespective of what is *best*.  So what is best? It depends on what has shaped up and our dreams ect. I have been challenged with thinking "what if what you think is best for him isn't really?" Everyone's prespective is different on this. And even with Levi's education there are many prespectives on what would be better for him. But mike and I feel strongly that we have done what is right for him and do not regret any of it.
  
The combination of this change as well as todays opportunity for help leave me with questions like "am I just not organized enough to make all of this work?","is me saying yes to this me giving  up?" "Do I just need to bear through the hard, and trust God because he has always taken care of us before?" "What is the appropriate amount a mom (and dad) of 4 to take on without help?"

Today the sweet lady came to my house for an evaluation. I guess I feel like maybe she would look at us like why do you need help? She sat down at the table  and sweetly talked to my kids who were playing playdough. She wasn't there to judge my mothering or time management she was there to help me.  I said " we are really new to the idea of receiving any kind of help, I don't even know if what to ask for really. So I shared with her our daily routines and she said "I believe that you could really be blessed my some extra help here are some ideas" she didn't say it condicending she said it with care. And as she left she said "you have a really sweet family and you can tell you really have them organized" she didn't know that I needed that validation of that I was doing ok with my kids and that it doesn't mean I am ditching my son or don't want to care for him. Ugh my heart hurts about this. My struggle is that I don't want him to think anything about him is a burden. I delight it caring for him,we have so many many sweet moments face to face where I get to tell him how I love to help him. When I talked to him about the option of nursing he was so excited lol of course he wasn't feeling neglected he was pumped. Thats how it goes when us mom's worry behind the scenes they're like what's the big deal? Lol

Also... safety, is it safe to have someone help your child get dressed? Are schools even safe these days? What about bullying? ...you know all these worries.

But.

I will never forget a few yrs ago when Levi had major surgery and was in terrible pain,I was at his bedside trying to comfort him as he cried out. He said "hey Mom,you can go back to sleep, God is with me and he is taking care of me so you can rest". Thanks God for this forever impactful moment in my life. Because this will continue to be true in all of his life.

Growing up

     My little people are growing.  I don't shop in the baby section for anything anymore. My youngest is in toddler sizes, and apparently this guy in now in the "big boys" section. This was a recent realization as I shopped for all the birthdays that take place over this past month.  There is one final one for our family this Friday and it is for this guy.

This guy. My oldest son Levi and the kid that goes before all his siblings to test the water of the Michael and Bethany Bracht family.  He is turning 8. Its significant for him, but its significant for me too. The amount of reflection, and the details of memories I have from so much joy, and heartache and personal growth and transitions, so many years apparently have accumulated since i became a mother.  Today I look across the room at this guy as he's getting a haircut. He is handsome, and confident, joyful,fun. He is sure of what he wants and looks at him self proudly as he now has the "cool guy haircut" he desired.

My heart has been a little anxious these days over change and choices. We have gladly decided to home school our kids and have done so since Levi was in kindergarten. It has been awesome to have this time. 

There were many personal and spiritual reasons we decided to do this for our family and have always decided to re-evaluate  what we are doing based on our family needs. We have been thankful to take extra time to teach Levi self care and work on his strength, work on discovering who he is and coach him on life situations. He has also has a full calendar of medical appointments he maintains weekly.  😂He has kept a busy schedule lol. It's been hard to balance that part. 

Lately we have been seeing some great independence from Levi. He has the desire to grow in relationships with others and just an incredible desire to learn. We feel like its so important at this age for him to have confidence in who he is in the world.   Since Levi was young, we have maintained a relationship with our school district and they have always been very helpful to our family. 

Recently we were able to come up with a plan that would allow Levi to be in a regular classroom setting with a modified schedule. This would allow him to attend school regularly, and also accommodate his medical needs. We don't know if this is just a season for him or long term, we will just have to see.
My heart is still with teaching my kids, and with this allowance for him he will get to do some classes at home.

 We have slowly been working towards this, and praying about the right timing for him and our family. The decision seemed much harder until recently,when I have met some of the kindest staff at his new school who are WILLING to walk with him and help him with what he needs in entirety. I have had several meetings that have given me confidence that this will be a safe place for him. A surprise I didn't know I would find.

Today we had the blessing of meeting his class for the first time. It was a beautiful thing to observe as a momma. I think i was more nervous than he was. Why do *I* have butterflies?! As I prepared him to go today he's like "mom, i'm not scared it's going to be great" lol... Instead he was so calm and confident, and the kids were so kind and thoughtful and excited to meet the new student. What a blessing.

There is much to write about this, but as far as I an adventure in saying YES. Its a big one for me. I know most everything about this little guy..my heart is wrapped in emotion over him and all the details in his life. My mind is always thinking through the strategies of care and I have not shared that responsibility with many at this point.

Something else going on that is separate from school is we also have had the blessing of receiving a waiver that can give him various forms of care, with a potential of an extra hand in our home. Care that I have never shared or have wanted to,and now that it's available I don't know what to do with it. But I am praying about these things, and what things are good for him and his growth and independence,what is the appropriate amount of things we should just work through as a family.  I am asking the Lord so much about what is the balance in all of this. I am so thankful there are options, and yet my heart grieves with giving up any part of it. I love my kids so much.

Next Wednesday Levi will have a surgery on his spine. I think this is maybe around surgery 15 for him? When I ask him how he feels about it, he say is feeling confident and thankful that it will help with his back pain (Lord willing). Its strange to see such maturity from an 8 year old, but one thing I have learned is that God is with him just as he is with me. Levi has seen that in his own life and it is beautiful to witness. It is such a comfort to know that as he is going through change and It teaches me so much. Many times it is him saying "mom, why are we still talking about this? I am not afraid!" , but the truth is that I am.

Please pray for all these things ahead for our family. These are all good things but will bring adjustment just the same. We need continued wisdom as we have at times many options available but weighing out how it benefits him and our family.

Levi will begin in a new school in January after he is recovered from this surgery.
We are excited for all the new opportunities ahead for him.

Watching birdies with the morning crew

    The sun just came up and I am sitting here looking for birdies and bunnies with the morning crew.

Now before you get jealous of this *actually so far* perfect morning lets take a few steps back.
Some of you guys have it figured out in the sleep department at your house..well we aren't great on that topic.

 It started with Levi having apnea as a baby. Lots of wake ups and after a long night of alarms going off Levi would lay next to me and watch baby einstien videos and I'd catch a few more minutes. Then when Lennox would join that early riser a few years later, i would put them both in the stroller in the summers and go for a walk first thing in the morning.   I have had early rising children and maybe a handful of sleeping all night for 7 years.. no matter what kind of night anyone had, no one cares lol. I have often marveled how to Lord has equipped moms to be able to take care of their kids and survive on such little sleep. It's like "oh, my fitbit told me I slept 3.5 hrs! Wow God thank you that I have energy today!" it's nothing less than a miracle.

You are right, there are all these tricks of how to help your kids sleep and keep your kids in bed until  wake up time. And you know we have done a lot of those, and they do work! Then its like one is doing good and the next kid takes their 6 month cycle. Its not like we have had entirely horrible habits, but also the books don't tell you the desperation that causes some bad habits..you never mean for them..and I also know how to tell you how to get your kids to sleep and stay in their beds of course. But somehow with life, here we are.

The thing is, the list of I should do...I wish I could...I used to... I know I have to... is really long.  And you know what, its pretty crippling too because you sometimes just don't move forward.

I am going to change gears from sleep, to tell you about other healthy habits I don't have figured out, but also we all know they are related to each other according to all the magazines.

Last night I was totally unhappy with my body, like Mike was like "what is wrong tonight?" and I shared through tears of how unhappy I am. I know it will get better..I am not lazy about this. I love exercise. But my body has had a rough go for a little while. The things that have really done a toll on me recently are 2 babies in 2 yrs(but also 4 in 7 yrs) hormone inbalance and an ankle surgery that I'm still recovering from. I really thought I wouldn't be saying that 6 months later. (Should I add to this list? Because my boohoo list if why it's  hard is long and I think lots  of moms have similar legitimate obstacles that make fitness a challenge) It used to just be a time issue and figuring that out. But now its like apparently I am older? and actual physical challenges that I have never experienced before. Its so humbling. So I am working hard at the gym in the last few months. I know its good even when i dont't see it as fast as I used to. Remember that one time when I felt like my tummy was flabby so I could do an ab work out and feel totally in shape the next day? Well that was a cute time of my life haha. Now its a new path called patience and endurance. Actually I need a tee shirt of that because that is the theme of my life.

I think about I need to get up early before Mike goes to work and add some more to my exercise routine.. then I think I used to be able to bring two babies in a stroller, now I have 4. He probably doesnt want to care for them while he's trying to leave for work..how do I do this? How early do I have to make this!!?(and I think its going to take at least an hour to get the girls out the door)

Ok another "need to" :

I need to spend time with the Lord, it is a need! And I do, and I crave it. But it looks different in this season of life, and i would be happy to share some tips that have helped me. But summer I am out of my usual schedule and just have so much extra desire for Him lately. I think about I need to start my day with the Lord.

So anyways.. all of this.


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Here is the "YES" 
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For years I have had people tell me get up before your kids. I love that idea.I always wonder what time that would be..4:30? 5? I don't want to!! When I do try, It is always suddenly joined with little feet( which is also sweet but defeats the quiet). I also realized recently that I have a better morning when I can wake up easy. Not with crying or someone needing something..just a little bit to ease in to the day. Its not so much that I don't like mornings because I actually do! I just am learning that I need an easy wake up. So I fight with my bed thinking it will help me, but it just prolongs it until I finally give in to just getting out of bed and joining the morning crew.

Each night I think about all of this as I lay my head down. I ask the Lord to help me with my health and how I really desire to wake up early and spend time with Him, and wisdom of how to spend time with my kids in a better way ect.

Here we are to today.

This morning I had one little girl who I brought in my bed because she's been waking up from teething,we fell asleep next to each other.  A little while later her roommate joined us in bed and together they giggled at each other before the sun rose. Hazel didn't fall asleep until 11:30 last night so I have not idea why she is up, but this is just what she does.

I would have not really slept had i to stayed in bed, and the crying of putting them back to bed would have woke the other sleepers. Alright..let's do this.. I picked up two girls and we snuck out to the garage to put them in the stroller in their jammies, It's 6 on the weekend....

Here we go! A beautiful quiet walk/run..so much joy in my heart.

All these thoughts came:

-Even if this is a 20 minute exercise it is better than nothing, why do I always think it will take so long? It's always all or none.
-the boys don't need Mike to manage them in the morning, its ok that I just have the girls.
-I have been asking the Lord to help me with these things, and this looks different than what I thought it should or would look like, so I have put it off for a long time waiting for the stars to align
-I didnt have to get up at 4:30 to do this!
-The morning is beautiful, it was quiet, I spent amazing time with the Lord.

-im doing this! 

I have had an easy wake up.  God is always faithful when you ask Him to help you figure out your life, and He has given me an idea for today.  I suspect this way will need to be re evaluated in a few months again, But TODAY these are things I could say YES to!

This song was playing on my walk, take a listen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r49V9QcYheQ

I need my paci!

     I am giggling today at the thought of my 2 year old daughter who has a deep love for her paci. 

As the 3rd child, she has the special privilege of mom and dad not doing everything by the book, and so she has been allowed to relish a little longer with that little cork than those that have gone before her.

 I do admit..there are some times I am really glad for the personal assistant that that little soother has become to her at times, especially when I have been a little worn out by all the crying.

I am noticing a little dependency that has formed with the paci though, and it's humorous to watch. You see, whenever Mom and Dad tell her "no" the first thing that she says is "I need my paci!!!" and is desperate for the comfort to her hurt feelings. 

We have been working lately to put it in her drawer and keep it for bedtime, and we'll get there again soon, but it's horrifying to live life without it for her right now.

   

  I found myself relating to her a little bit today as I poured my coffee...I have this deep love for my coffee and I run to my coffee pot and allow myself a little comfort moment as I hold my warm mug. Harmless... But then I was thinking about other escaping I have done when I don't want to handle the hard in front of me. When I have said to my husband "I've gotta get out of here today, I can't do this anymore today" 

How about more simple...being on my phone?or this is a weird one..nursing my baby? How about letting the kids play all day while dive into a project. These are places that I have found I escape my reality.  Another term often used is "not being present"..but I've been thinking about it more as an escape, and I have had much conviction on the frequency of my little moments and why I need them so much? 

I was thinking about how my daughter can't handle her life without that little pink pacifier in her mouth. Can I handle life without all my escapes?  What if God wants to teach me about obedience through working through the hard things in life?

Of course, we need rest.. sometimes it's healthy to go away for the night and come back to have a fresh start. But my attitude on my little escapes were lacking the idea that I should come back refreshed.. instead I desired more and more escape. I want more time with girlfriends,I want to go to the gym...all good things!

I realized today that as my boys were playing and the girls were napping I had let hours go by not connecting with them as I listened to a podcast and sipped my coffee and did laundry and then I looked at the time and thought.."oh! I barely spoke to them"...( I know I know..it was a little amazing) but then I thought, oh man look at all I could have done with them and taught them and engaged with them that I often trade for my break in the day.

Don't get me wrong I totally think moms need rest time *every*day. I just have been thinking so much about if it's for rest ( to be refreshed) so we can effectively do what's in front of us? Or is it to escape leaving us drained and unfulfilled.

What are ways you have been escaping your actual life that God has blessed you with? For me it's part of my journey of saying yes,and not looking for my pacifier.

Psalm 23:2-3
He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake.
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Psalm 62:1-2My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
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Roman's 12:2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.
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Isaiah 40:29-31
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
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Matthew 11:28-30
The Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will give rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.

Zoo day

What a beautiful zoo day! I said yes to the zoo and yes to the carousel today.

      I am realizing sometimes I tend to only do things if kids "deserve" it or they earned it. I hate that i realized that...If that is true, we wouldn't ever do anything I promise. I am trying to learn about grace, and to stop withholding things from my kids based on xyz...That is separate from discipline. 
So we went just because, not for reward but for enjoyment and also because we've been couped up after hazels surgery.

I ran into a sweet friend that told me she admired that I could manage taking all of my kids to the zoo, and shared that it was often hard to go to the zoo...me too i thought!

In fact, the day I saw her was the first day ever I have been able to not feel stressed taking the kids on my own.
If you live in fort Wayne than you probably have had stressful or embarrassing moments you can think of  at the zoo...
i know one year I lost Lennox..like for a while  and one time Levi was just getting to know his wheelchair and totally crashed into a little 2 yr old at the bottom if a hill. It was so awful and the dad was mad at me...these are two main  stories..but also  so cool to reflect over the years how  we have progressed as a family... 

I have had  many different strollers,walkers, wheelchairs I can think of,and strangers who've helped us and even a child in a harness at one point lol.

I was thinking did we all finally figure out how to do this? Or did I relax a little bit? Probably both! I was thinking about how I was so afraid of my kids getting kidnapped or lost that I would keep them so close and scold them for just the littlest bit of freedom. Now they're old enough we have established rules like where to go if we get lost And we ask everybody "is everyone ready?" before we head to the next exhibit.  

We would have missed out on so much if it was something we would have said it was too hard to do in the years past and what a great place to learn along with other moms trying to do the same thing!

You never know what others have gone through to get where they are  Hallelujah and high fives ✋

Lazy Mondays

A little while back I noticed that every Monday morning we were having such resistance to the day. I used to like to hit the ground running and would schedule many appointments on Mondays for some reason! But a few months ago I started noticing the pattern of everyone including me having difficult Monday mornings.

I am thankful for the change that we have made this a day of rest which allows for spontaneous things and a lot less pressure for us to get our act together.

I usually start the morning with quiet music playing or a little show as everybody wakes up and we do the day how we want to. I actually take time for my coffee and to prepare my heart for the week ahead.
It has become a spontaneous day where we might go on a field trip or what I like to call "magazine Monday" where we catch up on all of our kid magazines. This is sure not what I pictured when I said yes to homeschooling but being able to say yes to these sorts of days has allowed me to keep going. I'm so pumped about this decision that I kinda have a party everytime I get to say yes to relaxing!

The History of Becoming a Yes Mom

     I have been on a little kick over the last year or so of being what I call a "yes mom".
You have all been so sweet as you have responded to me sharing my personal journey on this topic.
I have had some people ask some things about what it actually means to be a "yes mom". So as I was thinking about where this idea came about i realized it's been a lot longer than I thought it had been that God has been teaching me this.

            The simple of a yes mom is: letting go of control, fear and comparison that cripples your life. Taking time to stop and say 'yes' to your actual life, the opportunities in front of you,the people in front if you and the possible mess in front of you.

Also important to note becoming a "yes mom" for me was birthed from a season of saying no..so that I could now say "yes".

So that is the short of it. But if you want to know the whole (long)story here it is....(best wishes )


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     Since I was a little girl I remember being very insecure.. insecure with my body insecure with my interactions with people, always feeling like I was having to think through everything that I was going to do before I did it.
I had no problem with being outgoing..in fact when I tell my mom I was embarrassed most of the time as a child she can't believe it because all of those who knew me knew I was an extrovert. But that doesn't get to the heart of insecurities.

I tell you this because I remember missing out on a number of things growing up. 

One thing that came to mind was swimming. I was embarrassed about my body at a young age,and also I wasn't a very good swimmer. So I would say "I don't really want to swim" and would sit in the edge of the pool while my friends had fun laughing and I spent my time being envious of the freedom they felt to have fun. What would it be like to enjoy life like that?

The other thing I thought of is being a rule follower. You could always count on me for being a real tattle tale. Even when I was young,all my parents had to do was look at me and my parents tell me it was enough discpline for me. I wanted to please them so bad and I would just be crushed to think that I disapointed them in any way.  Perfectionism...

I could go on about those stories,and thankfully look back and laugh when I think why did I act like that!? Praise God I am in the other side of some of that and God provided many opportunities for me to work through these issues. But even when I thought those things were far past me, I was surprised how they would show up later in my life.

Fast forward to my adult life...Mike(my then boyfriend) and I had been together several years and had already perservered through a good share of trials before we got engaged (one being a year long deployment to the Middle East).
In our minds it was like "oh we made it through,we can do anything"..and so we blissfully got married ready to face anything and began planning out our life together.
We had a sweet newly wed phase..he and I both were working hard, and Mike's college was interrupted when he was deployed so he was finishing school and looking forward to finally having our grown up life.

We had a pretty care free life and did what we wanted to. I loved my job, we hosted friends many nights of the week. We were passionate about ministry and volunteered for so many things. We were in a sweet spot. We had a good amount of rythm to our lives. We talked about having babies when Mike was done with school(he only had one semester left) and how great of parents we would be and how we would be do things way better than others who have gone beforeperf us (makes me giggle to type that out).

So about that time.. Mike got a call that his unit would be deployed again..and also for another year(mind you he was a part of the army national guard unit that had not been deployed in 40 years prior to his last deployment). It was so devistating to me.

God used that time in our lives for tremendous things. Certainly difficult, but a beginning of saying yes to many things instead of living in fear and dwelling on the hard. I used that time to build a brick patio, rennovate our landscaping and learned about things Mike always had taken care of for us, (even things like switching out light bulbs haha) begin using online banking ha!  Sweet times with other military wives, dedication to exercise and fitness, traveling..all these things I had to basically say "I can do this!" And every day I would try new things and fight my urge to mope around.

When Mike returned it wasn't very blissful as I had seen in the movies. We had to get to know one another again, and although Mike almost was done school before he left, we found out his last semester of school didn't count because he didn't get to complete the final...so here we went again waiting for the right time for babies because we had to have grown up jobs and be in a happy place in our marriage.. 

My perfect plans weren't working out how I anticipated. 

Around that time Mike had his first of many boughts of back issues..also not in the plan..

I had a really weird "stirring" I'll call it,or uneasiness during that time, and began to ask my friends to pray for me. I felt like God was preparing me for something that would come and it was hard to articulate and emotional and so I was just praying.
One of the big themes was giving up control and letting God lead us. I told Mike, I think we should think about having a baby now,there will never be a perfect time. So at almost 6 years of marriage, Mike now graduating college, we conceived our first baby..in the first try.(which I don't really like to share that,as I know how hard of a subject that can be for so many friends of mine) but even in that miracle..I was panicked and terrified. I felt like, what did we do!? But then when we saw that first ultrasound wow were we excited.

We soon had names picked out and nursery plans and registries. We would find out what we were having at our 20 week ultrasound appointment which we invited our parents to(I highly do not recommend that by the way). On this day we found out we werw to have a boy and also our baby boy would have birth defects. Soon we learned new medical terms of spina bifida and hydrocephalus. 

One defining "yes" moment was when our Dr. Asked us if we would like to continue in pregnancy with our baby in spite of these defects. And to that we said "yes"

In this season of processing, I had many words with God..I will never forget the devistation in my heart that week. I wrestled with so many things and grieved the perfect life I imagined since I was a little girl. Why me? Why have things been so hard when I thought marriage and family was going to be easy Street? (Um,why did I expect that?)
But God was so kind to me and reminded me of truth, and that He promised to be with me on this journey ahead of me as He always had.
I could go on about this part of my journey because God did so much in my heart during that time. But I began to trust that the life in front of me God would use for good.

I remember I would have a fits often over all that I didn't have control of. All my friends would deliver at the new birth suites around and made birth plans. When people asked me about all of that (because why are those the most common questions!?) My heart sank a little as I was having a planned c section in an old hospital that was not in our city because they could better handle his care...
Control over *if* i would even be able to breastfeed, or even getting the chance to hold him like most mothers get the blessing of. Nothing was in my control..

I quickly learned the lesson that this is my actual life...began to see the blessings that God provided unexpectedly and not in my plan or in my control,but in His perfect plan for me 

This became not a bitter time,but an abundant time of much joy and blessing when I layed down what others would think,and what my life should have been and embraced the beautiful family God surrounded me with.

There was lots if learning about being a first time mom, I had a whole other set of things in addition to the usual fears of newbie momma's as I got to know my sweet boy. We had a very busy first year with oxygen,apnea monitors big velcro harnesses and 8 surgeries the first year of life.

  It's hard to believe, but the first 7 months of Levi's life I worked full time..We would have a hospital stay, and i would go to work the next day. Mike had just started his first after graduation job when Levi was born,and so my job had been important to us with great benefits and I was in a successful place,and I loved it. 

My original plan was to continue to work because I enjoyed it so much.  But it became evident I needed to be home..I felt a pressure of what would my coworkers think that I couldn't balance work and motherhood? So silly of a concern as I reflect..but God made a very clear way for me to stay home. And so I (reluctantly) said "yes".

I'm not going to go into details if all the 7 years that follow that time of my life don't worry..but that was the beginning of laying down what I thought was best and seeing the opportunity in front of me.

    As our family grew,we welcomed our second baby boy a few years later and it rocked my world! suddenly after a mostly sedentary and very obedient,smart little boy,out came a very energetic boy who basically went from barely crawling to running.He was big bubba so I never felt like he was a baby lol! Suddenly I had a toddler and baby (but kinda straight to toddler lol) and it brought me to new realities.

Suddenly I was faced with new things managing two little people, and things like my children misbehaving in public! Levi was learning to walk with his walker, and me holding on to him and Lennox often running away meant my hands were full with 2 kids. And friends, I felt sweaty all the time!!!  Every place I went I started thinking through every possible scenario and how I would plan accordingly..what equipment I would bring, how to protect Levi's legs from surfaces that would harm them, is it handicap accessible? Along with all the diapers,wipes,snacks,and planning naps.

One scene I remember it was time to leave the park and Levi was not ready to go and plopped himself down in a fit, while his brother ran in the opposite direction..I know I have good company of other moms who know similar situations.Thank you Jesus I knew another month at the park that day who helped me..I had to carry Levi, his Walker and then come back for Lennox. It felt like a completely stuck situation, and the other momma for sure had no problem kindly looking out for a fellow mom,but to me i felt embarrassed that I couldn't handle it, and that my kids would act that way in public.

I realized that we need to keep practicing being out together, and work through the hard, but it was also so hard for me,physically and mentally. So for years we only have said yes to small amounts of things,we host people at our home mostly. There was a definite grieving in that for me as I love to be out and about. But because it was so much work to manage all the equipment and lack of obedience, our trips have been very planned and intentional. That's not the mom I pictured myself to be, especially when I thought prior to having kids, our kids will just tag along everywhere with us and be a part of what we are doing. I thought I would bop around and be a free spirit, and at home I would let beautiful artwork happen and that my house would look like one i see on instagram while that was all taking place. 
The struggle was also realizing that what I "was doing" was that God provided an opportunity for me to stay home with my babies and equip them for the future, there was so much yes to be said to what was in front of me, even at home, but I have been resistant. 

You probably didn't know my "yes mom" journey was so complex.. because I didn't either. Now my internal conflict comes in things like letting kids play in the mud, whether or not I want to let my son pick a bright green wheelchair vs a more neutral color..(gah why am I such a jerk about that kind of stuff!!) And if I am going to care if my other son prefers comfy pants over jeans lol. I should know my lesson on these things by now but God is teaching me so much in letting go and saying yes.

      This is all learning, and my stories over the years are many of how I wanted something to be a certain way and I had to get through these seasons to experience the freedom  of enjoying my actual life. (And when I say freedom..we also added 2 more kids to the mix..whaaaat!? Oh yeah another yes moment.)

I have to say, suddenly I am feeling a freedom i didn't expect to ever see! I know you mommas that have older kids know what I am talking about.(and you with younger kids who think will it ever change?) Suddenly I have some more responsible kids living in my house and Levi is using his crutches more often so much more independence around here, but also a freedom in my heart as well. Freedom of less pressure on my kids,not being horrified if they look like rugrats, or if they misbehave or if we even have to go home early. Our trips are still pretty well thought out but I have found much more contentment in my ACTUAL life and the struggles it may bring, and because of that I have found so much joy!

Two verses from the Bible I often think of:

Psalm 118:24 says "this is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it"

And

Psalm 16:9 "a man's heart plans his ways,but God directs his steps"

Thanks for joining me ️