My last blog post I shared with you all about all the things ahead for Levi and our family.
I shared about how Levi was having a surgery, and starting school and also some options we now had through a waiver to get assistance.
We had the surgery one week ago things are going well for him but still in much pain and not moving much at this point. (Thanks for all your encouragement as always. )
Today was weird for me as I had a home health assessment for Levi. I think for me I'm realizing a lot about myself and my fears or areas of pride or who knows what to call it. I talked about this a little bit this morning on a video I made. I realize lately I take a lot of pride in caring for my kids in the "best" way. Not the worst thing in the world right? But I am struggling with these changes ahead of me and having to pray a lot about it all,not even for Levi for myself. It comes down to grieving, it comes down to laying down what I think is best and it comes down to trusting that God is with my kids, and that I am not the only way God will take care of them.
I think this is funny maybe to say(and you guys probably see a different prespective on this being on the outside) but to me,I have always thought of Levi as very high functioning and really at this point not that many things we have to do for him. We have adapted as a family, we have learned what he needs and this has always been my life as a mother.
Some days I feel so exausted and I'm like "I didn't even do a load of laundry! What did I even accomplish today??" And then I take account of my whole day and (as all of you with several little ones know)i think through all the spills and all the diapers ect. And then I did this crazy thing where I wanted to homeschool my kids,and then Levi has extra needs.
Every now and then someone who loves us says "you know taking care of Levi is actually like taking care of a few kids,now wonder you are exausted" and I think,really? Hmm I don't even realize because it has been my *only*experience of motherhood.
A few weeks ago I broke down in tears to some friends who just asked me how I was doing and I was just tired. Our schedule has been so busy and not with the things I want to be doing. *Of course I want to help Levi be well yes!!* But it comes with many many appointments every week,phone calls, scheduling ect for just one of my kids. I had been doing all of this one day and just telling them that there are solutions but it means giving up the parts that *I* love and that is the part that makes me feel sad.
Someone recently asked "why are you homeschooling you kids!? You have too much going on" and It made me think about some things.
I guess for me there is a really nice picture in my mind of my childhood with a custom build house in the Pennsylvania mountains, a tree fort in four trees my dad made. I picture spending hours outside and I remember my mom delighting in me and teaching us. We would end up having 6 kids in our family and although each of us share different prespective of upbringing this is the family I cherish. My mom who had ease of homeschooling us in that woods. I follow lots of moms on Instagram who have these perfectly placed school books and chalk boards and nature books and their kids never scribble. This all seems beautiful to me.
It's a constant fight for me to live my actual life instead of the what seems to be ideal. *I love my life and my people and wouldn't trade one thing about all God has blessed us with. You all know I love them dearly. But I think I struggle with being the mom of my dreams vs the mom I am. The mom that is on the go to appointments most days, whose kids watch movies in the car, eat lunch in the car. We have days I protect so we can just be home and I muster up enough energy to make it a day that hopefully my kids will remember.
As all of these things( home healthcare, school,a recreational therapists) have suddenly presented as options for us I have to sort out a lot of things.
School is exciting, you all should know that Levi being homeschooled was always on my radar for all of my kids (remember,that is the mom of my dreams) it wasn't because school was not an option for him. I have maintained conversation with our school district for years about Levi and the timing for independence for him is right. In my mind I have made it harder than in needed to be for him to go. Infact i have been blown away with all the ways God has reminded me that He is caring for Levi. Yet even though this is really awesome my struggle is personal and it's about my prespective of what is *best*. So what is best? It depends on what has shaped up and our dreams ect. I have been challenged with thinking "what if what you think is best for him isn't really?" Everyone's prespective is different on this. And even with Levi's education there are many prespectives on what would be better for him. But mike and I feel strongly that we have done what is right for him and do not regret any of it.
The combination of this change as well as todays opportunity for help leave me with questions like "am I just not organized enough to make all of this work?","is me saying yes to this me giving up?" "Do I just need to bear through the hard, and trust God because he has always taken care of us before?" "What is the appropriate amount a mom (and dad) of 4 to take on without help?"
Today the sweet lady came to my house for an evaluation. I guess I feel like maybe she would look at us like why do you need help? She sat down at the table and sweetly talked to my kids who were playing playdough. She wasn't there to judge my mothering or time management she was there to help me. I said " we are really new to the idea of receiving any kind of help, I don't even know if what to ask for really. So I shared with her our daily routines and she said "I believe that you could really be blessed my some extra help here are some ideas" she didn't say it condicending she said it with care. And as she left she said "you have a really sweet family and you can tell you really have them organized" she didn't know that I needed that validation of that I was doing ok with my kids and that it doesn't mean I am ditching my son or don't want to care for him. Ugh my heart hurts about this. My struggle is that I don't want him to think anything about him is a burden. I delight it caring for him,we have so many many sweet moments face to face where I get to tell him how I love to help him. When I talked to him about the option of nursing he was so excited lol of course he wasn't feeling neglected he was pumped. Thats how it goes when us mom's worry behind the scenes they're like what's the big deal? Lol
Also... safety, is it safe to have someone help your child get dressed? Are schools even safe these days? What about bullying? ...you know all these worries.
But.
I will never forget a few yrs ago when Levi had major surgery and was in terrible pain,I was at his bedside trying to comfort him as he cried out. He said "hey Mom,you can go back to sleep, God is with me and he is taking care of me so you can rest". Thanks God for this forever impactful moment in my life. Because this will continue to be true in all of his life.
